Faith

OK, so I haven't blogged in a while. It is so easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of life with three kids. We had a good weekend of soccer and baseball, but I think that my husband and I will be relieved when it's all over and we can have a Saturday without sports. Despite being crazy busy, I had an aha moment yesterday. I didn't feel like going to church at all and it dawned on me that this is a pattern of behavior with me. I really love church and get really involved and then have an extended period where I don't want to go at all. My aha moment came when I realized that this is a cycle that exists in many many facets of my life. I have the same problem trying to figure out what to do for a career. I have periods when I'm positive that I should just work at a grocery store and then periods where I want to study nursing because it is guaranteed job and good money, and periods where I'm sure that I need to teach. It's a little crazy and I sometimes attribute it to the fact that I'm a Gemini and a little split personality, but it really has to stop. I feel like a hamster on a wheel and I have to get off or I'm going to go crazy.
I think that it boils down to a lack of faith in myself and my judgements. I had a period in my early twenties where I made one bad decision after another. During that time I learned to doubt my instincts. A lot has changed since then and I know that I am perfectly capable of making good decisions, but somewhere deep down I'm still second guessing. I think the answer to my dilemma is to get in touch with who I really am and have faith in that person to choose. Martin Luther King has a great quote, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase". I have been waiting to see the whole staircase and I never will. I need to find the faith to take that first step, trusting myself to see it through.