I have to leave the house by 8am every morning to get my kids to school. This morning when I started the car I heard a familiar tune coming from the radio. It was the Smiths and I instantly felt 15 again, even as I drove and talked to my 8 year old. The next song was the Cure and I rebelliously sang a long as I waited in the car pool line. It was so strange to hear these two songs that were a soundtrack to my freshman year in high school. It was nice to be reminded of that girl I was. I really miss her.

I still haven't found a way to reconcile the woman I have become with the girl I was. I shouldn't have to give up all the things that were really awesome about her just because I am a mother, should I?

I know that she is somewhere deep inside of me. I am determined to learn how to coax her out.

My Unwanted Fourth Child

I have a love hate relationship with church. I have had periods in my life when I needed church to get me through the week. There have also been times when I didn't go at all. I spent last year working for my church and it almost killed me. I had really thought about going into some sort of ministry, but the past year put the nail in that coffin. I believe that it is important to have a spiritual center to your life and I get a sense of fulfillment through religion. So it is a little unsettling that what I really love to do on a Sunday is drink coffee, watch CBS Sunday morning (a FAR superior morning show), catch the Patriots game (they kicked the Jets butt today, go Brady!!), listen to A Prairie Home Companion, and cook a big delicious dinner. To me that is the perfect Sunday.
As I get older and church seems to demand more of me I am liking it less. When you are a youngish person with small children and you walk in the doors of the church, you are marked. Everyone in a position of authority sees you as the answer to their prayers, someone to fill the empty committee seat, do the vacant job, or teach the teacherless class. The focus is rarely on what the church can do for you it is increasingly on what you can do for the church. It has become my exhausting unwanted fourth child. I am starting to toy with the idea of leaving it all behind.

Strong Is Your Hold

Having grit my teeth through three hours of soccer this morning I was excited to get home. I fed the kids lunch and sent one down to play on the computer, one on a bike ride and one out into the backyard with the dog. I vacuumed the dog hair off the living room floor, (yes he's shedding AGAIN!!) and went outside to check the mail. Inside my mailbox was one of my favorite sights, a book size package from Amazon.com. My absolutely wonderful sister has sent me a copy of Galway Kinnells "Strong Is Your Hold". I have had a love affair with this book for many months now. There is one copy at the Borders near my house and every time I'm able to go without kids I buy a cup of coffee and read it again.

So, in honor of the absolutely beautiful day here in Oregon, I'm going to lay on my couch with my feet up and read poetry this afternoon. Thanks L! Love you!

I AM NOT A SOCCER MOM!!

Now that the kids have all safely started school it is time for the annual torture that is soccer season. I am actually happy that my kids are active, the two youngest absolutely love soccer. Every once in a while going and watching them play gives me a little pleasure, but most of the time I want to throw up.



I AM NOT A SOCCER MOM!!! Some of the parents are very nice and truly good people. Then there are the soccer moms in their Cadalliac Escalades and Land Rovers. They have freshly dyed hair and professionally done nails(toes included). They come to the soccer field in three inch heels and pencil skirts and complain that the coach isn't making enough progress with their children. These women are like aliens to me. I really dislike having to be near them.


Fall is actually my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. Sweater weather, turning leaves, apples, butternut squash, pumpkins, and days when it gets dark at 5:00. Heaven to me is fall in New England. There is nothing like the first morning when the puddles are frozen over and the trees are filled with red and bright yellow leaves. Fall in Oregon is a little grayer and wetter. I live in the city which really sucks, but if I take a drive ten minutes towards the mountains I can find the magic of fall. So, tomorrow when the soccer season officially starts, I'll set my sights on that day when it's all over. The day when I drive into the mountains and feel the chill of fall, smell the wood burning in the stoves, and connect with whatever it is in me that loves being alive.

Letting them go

The Summer-Camp Bus Pulls Away from the Curb

Whatever he needs, he has or doesn't
have by now.
Whatever the world is going to do to him
it has started to do. With a pencil and two
Hardy Boys and a peanut butter sandwich and
grapes he is on his way, there is nothing
more we can do for him. Whatever is
stored in his heart, he can use, now.
Whatever he has laid up in his mind
he can call on. What he does not have
he can lack. The bus gets smaller and smaller, as one
folds a flag at the end of a ceremony,
onto itself, and onto itself, until
only a triangle wedge remains.
Whatever his exuberant soul
can do for him, it is doing right now.
Whatever his arrogance can do
it is doing to him. Everything
that's been done to him, he will now do.
Everything that's been placed in him will
come out, now, the contents of a trunk
unpacked and lined up on a bunk in the underpine light.

--Sharon Olds

This is how I feel today. There is a job that has been finished. I have prepared all three of my children for the world, and now it's time to watch them go. I can help them when they stumble, and show them the path when they lose thier way, but they have what they need.
I am filled with pride.

So much to learn

The first day of school was a smashing success for my first grader, my seventh grader starts today(hopefully without incident), and my third grader starts tomorrow.

My middle child is going to a new charter school this year. We decided to move him when his class size reached thirty five, with no teachers aide. There is nothing heavier than having to make a decision that could irreparably affect your child's future. I have spent many sleepless nights trying to convince myself that this is the right decision. At this point I'm almost sure.

My classes start at the end of the month. I am taking two this semester, which is my limit because I am paying for them myself. I 'm really excited about my Women's Literature class. When I was younger, literature gave me a feeling similar to falling in love. I am hoping to find a way to rekindle that flame. Every once in a while I have a very brief glimpse of it. Am I still capable of feeling that way? Was it just a part of a particular place and time? Can I find it again in wildly different circumstances, minus the Marlboro's and beautiful boys?

My first post

I never thought of myself as the type to blog, but here I am. I actually got the idea from my sister. I have really enjoyed reading her blog so I figured I'd throw my hat into the ring.

Today is actually a milestone day for me. My youngest child started first grade. That means that all three kids will be in school all day, so now the pressure's on.

When I was young I had a very strong sense of who I was and what I wanted to do. I wanted to get a degree in literature and teach or write. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind! Somewhere between having my oldest son (at twenty) and going back to school part time, I lost that certainty. I have at different times decided to go to culinary school and nursing school. I have listed my major as anthropology, sociology, social work, and religion. The only thing that I am sure of, is that none of those are right.

I am hoping that the process of blogging will give me a little clarity. Wish me luck!