Let's Do The Time Warp Again!!

I am the room mom for my sons third grade class. I really enjoy being involved in my kids schools and I even like the parties (for the most part )but I have to be the most ill suited person for this job. It's the other moms that really get under my skin. Sometimes I think that I am just trying unsuccessfully to stuff myself into the mom mold. I love my kids and I love being their mother, but I am not a conventional "mom". I seem to be a little more in my head than everyone else. It used to really bother me but that's just who I am and I've learned to be OK with it. School parties seem to make the differences more apparent though, and I feel a little weighed down by them. The party seemed to go well, even with my constant over analysis. I did, however, have one weird, surreal moment.

While the kids worked on their art project and ate all of the great treats we played a CD of Halloween music in the background. So I'm walking around helping the kids pack up their uneaten snacks and I hear it, "I remember, doing the time warp!!". I stopped dead in my tracks, this is so out of context. I have seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show many, many times and I have danced to this song countless times and none have been stranger than this. I thought, for a minute that I might wake up, bleary eyed, at a party post high school and have the last fifteen years be some sort of drunken hallucination. About that time someone spilled their juice and I had to snap out of it, but it was a cool moment.

Feeling the Rain

It has been a stormy few days here in Oregon. I always love this time of year. The storms can be very dramatic which is nice after a summer of sunshine every day. My middle son had soccer this morning, in the pouring rain. My darling husband went to the game without the soccer balls so I got the call and had to go for a drive to the soccer field. At first I was annoyed, but I ended up having a great time. I drove in the rain and listened to Brandi Carslile very loud, it was fun. I even enjoyed trudging through the completely soaked soccer field. My son was complaining a lot, he thinks he's getting frostbite on his leg, he might have pneumonia coming on, etc. I explained to him that this game will probably stick around in his memory, while the others fade together. He was unimpressed.
This is my second fall in Oregon. There is a huge part of me that wants a New England fall and winter. It's an almost physical wanting. It hurts to miss a good Maine autumn, and the first peaceful, silent, snowfall. I am making an effort to enjoy the Oregon seasons this year, and it's working, sort of. I need to make peace with where we are now, but deep down I want to be back in the northeast. I have had several very vivid dreams where I am walking in the Maine woods. They are more vivid and real than any dreams I've ever had. I guess that Maine will always feel like home to me. Some people have the towns or houses they grew up in that they go back to on holidays and it feels like going home. For me it is the cold breeze that leaves your face numb, and the crunch of snow underfoot that makes me fee like I'm back where I belong. I'm hoping to get to the place where I don't miss it quite so much.

Feeling more like me

I am starting to feel more like me. It is strange. I feel like something very powerful and important is happening. It is so subtle that it is hard to pin down. But, it is there. I am actually writing, which I'm hesitant to say out loud because I'm afraid it will stop. But it's nice to write. It is nice to see the world in that way. So, today I'm cautiously optimistic. I feel so positive, it's a little freaky.

Carly Simon and cookies

It is a typical fall day here in Oregon. It's the kind of day that makes me want to listen to Carly Simon and bake cookies, and that's just what I did. My morning was filled with soccer but the weird thing is that I actually enjoy being out on the soccer field once the sky turns gray and the wind blows a little. I even got to wear a sweater, it's the little things that make me happy. Every fall I seem to get really introspective. I think something automatically happens in my brain when the light starts to change. I love fall light. It is like having flattering dressing room light all the time. I have had a couple of weeks of heavy introspection and I think it is time to get on with it. My new and exciting classes ended up falling through so I'm going to spend the next few months trying to find my creative self. I am going to focus less on the wild search to figure out what I want to do and focus on what I already am. I have so many blessings in my life that I should be happy about. I have been married for nine years to a wonderful man who really really loves me. I have three beautiful healthy children who make me laugh every day. I don't HAVE to get a job and help support our family. I can spend a Saturday afternoon baking craisen, apple oatmeal cookies and singing "One who is touched by the sun" at the top of my lungs while my daughter dances with a pointy witch hat on. My life is good and I am a smart creative woman, today I'm going to leave it at that.

Faith

OK, so I haven't blogged in a while. It is so easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of life with three kids. We had a good weekend of soccer and baseball, but I think that my husband and I will be relieved when it's all over and we can have a Saturday without sports. Despite being crazy busy, I had an aha moment yesterday. I didn't feel like going to church at all and it dawned on me that this is a pattern of behavior with me. I really love church and get really involved and then have an extended period where I don't want to go at all. My aha moment came when I realized that this is a cycle that exists in many many facets of my life. I have the same problem trying to figure out what to do for a career. I have periods when I'm positive that I should just work at a grocery store and then periods where I want to study nursing because it is guaranteed job and good money, and periods where I'm sure that I need to teach. It's a little crazy and I sometimes attribute it to the fact that I'm a Gemini and a little split personality, but it really has to stop. I feel like a hamster on a wheel and I have to get off or I'm going to go crazy.
I think that it boils down to a lack of faith in myself and my judgements. I had a period in my early twenties where I made one bad decision after another. During that time I learned to doubt my instincts. A lot has changed since then and I know that I am perfectly capable of making good decisions, but somewhere deep down I'm still second guessing. I think the answer to my dilemma is to get in touch with who I really am and have faith in that person to choose. Martin Luther King has a great quote, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase". I have been waiting to see the whole staircase and I never will. I need to find the faith to take that first step, trusting myself to see it through.

what's going on

The past 10 years have been a time of stabilization and renewal. I spent my late teens and early twenties making some REALLY bad decisions. When I met and married my husband he was a stabilizing factor. I needed somewhere to rest and regroup and he gave me everything I could have needed. I enjoyed the peace, and comfort and it gave me time to have my kids and learn to be an adult. It has been a long time since I tried to make some kind of mark on my own. I'm ready to stick my head out of this really warm comfortable hole and see what's going on.

Eight years!!

Yesterday my son Will turned eight. It seems impossible that he could be eight years old. He is a really wonderful, kind, gentle, curious, smart kid. His big birthday gift was a robotic, interactive remote control dinosaur. This dinosaur has sensors on it and if you touch it's head it tries to bite you. Will discovered this early this morning and didn't tell anyone, so one by one we all walked into the trap. Every time the toy tried to bite someone they would scream and Will would laugh hysterically. He laughed so hard he said his diaphragm hurt. Will is fascinated with the human body which is a little strange. Last year in second grade the kids had to find ten examples of things that come in pairs from around their house. At the top of Wills list were corneas and kidneys. I don't remember exactly when I found out what a cornea was but I'm pretty sure it was in high school. I get unmeasurable pleasure just watching Will be Will. I am unbelievably happy just to be his mom.